Moderate Drinking Allowance Too Low, Says Last Honest Scientist On Planet Earth

OSLO—Following decades of research as an alcohol expert for the World Health Organization, maverick scientist Dr. Kari Poikolainen says drinking 1.3 bottles of wine a day not only won’t harm your health, it will allow you to outlive abstainers.

Flying in the face of attempts to lower the definition of moderate drinking, Dr. Poikolainen said: ‘The weight of the evidence shows moderate drinking is better than abstaining,” and “the moderate amounts can be higher than the guidelines say.”

The Teetotaler Bloc was quick to respond with unhinged vitriol. Without presenting a shred of contrary evidence, Julia Manning of the neoprohibitionist think-tank 2020Health snarled, “Alcohol is a toxin, the risks outweigh the benefits.”